Ever been called by nature at such an inconvenient time while at a very unfortunate place? Is it because of that Mexican food you just ate or that milk tea you’ve chugged? Were you Netflixing and chillin’ while on transit when you felt the sudden urge to pass really loud gas?

Sometimes, shit just happens—literally. That’s why it’s best to be prepared for when you need to drop the doo-doo while outside the comfort and privacy of your home. Let us help you with that with these tips on how to sneak a number two in a public restroom without leaving any trace behind.

The checklist
Before dropping trou, make a complete sweep of the nearest available restroom. Is there tissue available? Is the flush working? Is there a bidet? While you can live through this ordeal without a bidet, there must at least be tissue; to be safe, always have a stash of them on you, or better yet, wet wipes. Now, if the flush isn’t working, then you’re screwed. Hightail it to the next public restroom that has running water. If you really want to be prepared, follow this helpful Instagram account that gives everyone a heads up on the establishments that have bidets in their comfort rooms. You can then make a mental road map of where to run before you have chocolate porridge running down your legs.

Run the faucet
It’s not just the mess and the smell that are embarrassing. Shit farts, a.k.a. sharts, can get loud enough for everyone else in the restroom to hear, so to minimize their sound, let the faucet run while you’re releasing your Kraken. Yes, it’s pretty wasteful of water, so practice your butt muscles daily to make them strong enough to hold some control over how you release gas. Play music on your phone without the headphones on too to create audible distraction.


Do the paper work
Avoid leaving skidmarks behind by laying sheets of tissue inside the toiler bowl, above the water level. These also minimize the obvious plopping sounds that dropping a number two makes.

Drop it like it’s hot
There are some handy products in the market that serve as disinfectant sprays that also deodorize surroundings, like these loo drops from Scentsmith Perfumery. Always keep one in your bag so you can freshen up the air in your chosen toilet cubicle before, during, and after taking a poo.

Dip and dash
Do you have to let it linger? Be done with your business as quickly as possible to avoid suspicion; the faster you are, the faster you can get away to safety. Or at the very least, don’t hang around long enough for people to remember your face or your clothes. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the fact that you’ve just taken a dump cannot be hidden. In those cases, just think, “Who smelt it dealt it,” and peace out.

 

 

Header image by Gabor Monori on Unsplash.